Breathe

First before I start my rant I want to say that I don't mean for this to be dark.  Just some observations about some things that I have gone through over the years and I am now facing from the other side of things.  So beware if this sounds boring.  Trust me there will be some gems.

I have spent a good portion of my life keeping my baggage checked, my demons in the closet, Dirt swept under the rug or whatever lame phrase you want to use.  I think everyone can relate to that.  Otherwise I am just a crazy person.  Well that's probably true anyways.  Unfortunately my closet is a little more stuffed than yours.  I am not saying my life has been harder than anyone else's.  Its just the events that have happened either by my doing or by what has been the luck of the draw.  At first I used to look back and think the time old question "why me?".  Then when I realized that didn't really work out I asked "when am I ever going to get a break?".  I now have learned that there is no break so it brings me to ask myself what is the real question I should be asking.  What is the right question to ask?  Well, I am about to tell you what it is.  But you will have to wait.  First, I want to go back to telling you about my closet.  As Eminem's song (eh, rap?) goes... I'm cleaning out my closet.  I used to lie.  Period.  My closet was so deep and so full that the only way I could handle it was to lie about it.  I have a good idea where I learned this trait.  That's a story for another time.  I spent way too much time trying to follow what I told someone and not someone else.  Trust me you waste a lot of brain power.  I then was caught in a lie that changed everything.  Blessing in disguise.  It was either stop lying altogether or to keep going down that path.  So for one of the rare times in my life I stopped.  It wasn't easy.  It took some real self mastery.  But now I can say I am an Honest person with Integrity.  I know that a change like that will take a life time to make up for what happened before.  Its my battle to keep fighting everyday. 

My point with this is that once you stop lying to everyone you have to stop lying to yourself.  I don't believe that I would even understand how to begin that until I found out someone has lied to me.  I believe that lying is the toxic shame everyone uses to either project it onto themselves or others.  I am sure everyone has their reasons for lying.  I thought I did.  Now any reason I thought I had to lie went out the door last week.  I have been letting myself slide in areas that I thought I would just take care of later. 

Today I went to a seminar for work.  I walked in thinking that it was going to be some self help guy who was going to talk up himself and tell us we had to be just like him.  I have been to a few of them to kind of expect that.  This guy surprised me.  His whole presentation could be summed up to this: treat everyone a little better and your life will be better.  Of course he had his catchy phrases.  His oral presentation was the same as any other self help coach.  He was overly excited for most things.  But for some reason I paid attention more.  Maybe its with what happened last week that I was looking for a way out of it.  Maybe I was tired of being run down by people not treating me right.  Sounds like a lot of blame, I know.  He said that you have to be personally accountable.  For some reason that hit me.  I have to be accountable for some part of the things that happen to me.  Whether it be that someone lied to me, or a car breaking down, or letting something bother me that normally shouldn't.  I am still angry at what happened last week and I think I have a right to be angry.  I am taking accountability in my feelings though.  All I know is that I have to be better at the relationships I want around me and cut loose the toxic ones.  How and when that happens is something yet to be determined.  One of the ways I have lied to myself is trying to convince myself that certain relationships can't go away.  You have to keep trying.  Well it sets you up for the same result every time.  I know, that's the definition of someone that's crazy.  I felt for the first time that I can let go.  I can stop lying to myself about trying to keep it around. 

In cleaning out my closet I have decided to tell anyone who wants to know what my question is now in life situations.  Its "What can I learn from this and make those around me and myself better for it?".  Sounds cheesy I know.  I have spent too much time not lighting up this world with my effort to do the little things.  I am not a person who will probably ever get a chance to donate millions of dollars.  I don't really have any amazing gifts or talents to share.  I can do one thing.  Doing the little thing for the people I come across everyday.  Whether that's at my job, church, family, friends, or the random person on the street.  Although there isn't that many homeless people in Logan.  I need to be more thankful for what I have and be willing to do little things each day for it.  I have gone through a lot in life and I am sure that trend will continue.  Hopefully the less there is in my closet the more room I have to grow. 

Now, I want to share some lyrics as always.  The first time I heard this song I felt it was about me.  Its not the happiest song.  It is about what I have gone through:

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, stop hating