Terrified

          Alright, I guess I should use this space productively.I have spent the last 4 months not talking to almost everyone about what happened with Elba and I.  First I want to state that she did nothing wrong.  I am the one that screwed up.  I wasn't honest with her and thats an issue.  Its not something that I think I need to spell out but I want everyone who reads this to know that Elba didn't break my heart.  I broke hers.  She is an amazing beautiful woman.  She deserves a whole, healthy, honest, loving man in her life. 

           I have learned more about myself in the last 6 months than I ever have before.  I realize where I fall short and find more places every day.  So I have set some goals.  I want to be a better man.  So when I do get married I can be the man I need to be, who my wife needs, and who my Heavenly Father knows I can be.  I want to have a strong testimony that can stand the test of anything.  I feel like what I have put myself through has tested it and made it grow more than any other time in my life.  I want to be prepared to be a great father.  I have ideas on how to be a good one but I want to be a father that my kids can trust and confide in.  I want to be there for them and provide for them.  I want to be a worthy priesthood holder.  For any circumstance that is asked of me to be able to feel the spirit and be guided to do things correctly and in direct line with what my Heavenly Father wants.  There are a lot more goals that I have but in the idea of not boring you all I want to share some more song lyrics that I have written.  I wrote these with how I feel about my goals and what it will take to get there.  I am terrified of what lies ahead for me.  The past and the future have always tormented me.  But for the first time in my life I think I have a good understanding of the future.  I am working on facing my past.  More to come on that another time.  This is about the future and what is in store to get there.

Here in this town, safe and guarded
We call it home, a feeling that we share
Now leave this place, clinging to hope
In this midnight prayer
If we hold our breath, float beyond this
We'll be reborn, He will carry us home
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
When we've reached the end of the road
He will carry us home
Oh no, if all our sin was only a hope
And meaningless and true
Now will I expire holding the world
In safety for you
If we make it through and He can save you
With this heart I know, He will carry us home
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
When we've reached the end of the road
He will carry us home
And now I'm so far away from you
Will I be making any difference after leaving you all alone?
And now I'm so far away from home
Can I justify my actions after leaving you here in this town?
Safe and guarded, we call it home
A feeling that we shared
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified
Are you still alive? If you're scared inside
He will carry us home
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
Providence is blind when you're terrified
Are you still alive? Are you scared inside?
When we've reached the end of the road
When we've reached the end of the road
He will carry us home
Carry us home

Well, hopefully that made sense.  Kind of steared away from the normal things I write about.  It was a different feeling this time when writing it.  Normally its about love or broken dreams.  Have plenty of those lol.  Let me know what you think with this one.  Maybe I will focus more on this is the response is positive.

Do you ever make yourself mad?

So some people thought I should start a blog.  Well maybe this will be a better outlet than facebook (we all know how that doesn't work).  So here it goes.

I thought I would start off with what is currently bothering me.  Have you ever done something that upset nobody but yourself.  And you knew it from the begining, in the middle of the situation, and when it back fired right in your face.  Hopefully nobody does this.  I recently have put myself through such a situation.  Lets just say its frustrating. 

I knew as soon as I let my hopes up that they would come crashing right in my face.  I even let the situation play out and be taken for a ride with no control.  I knew it wasn't a good idea but I just wanted to feel like things were ok.  Well they weren't.  And today it came crashing down.  And it came down hard.  You would think a guy would learn.  I set myself up for this and I have nobody else to blame but me.  So as I was sitting at work I wrote these lyrics trying to vent it out.  SPOILER ALERT!!!  I have never posted something like this where more than 1 person can see it.  Just a little heads up about it.  I decided to right it to myself as another person and then have this dialog back and forth between myself.  I hope you can decifer the real meaning.

Split decisions, fighting fixes
I test ride my memory
Tunnel vision, I give in and put
An end to make-shifting relief
This game has got me shaking hands
With my own enemies
I see faces, but none of them
Not one believes in me

And the end of the road
I'll hate to say I told you so

I don't need you to find resolve
Cause when it's said and done
Down to one
I'll hate to say I told you so

And as your promises dissolve
I'll get bragging rights
You'll realize that from day one
I always told you so

Go on living making killings
Off of all your broken dreams
I'll stay in within the out
And I bet you won't find one weak bone in me
It's been a long time coming but no need for sympathy
I made my mind, I'll spend my time
Just making you believe

And the end of the road
I'll hate to say I told you so

I know this doesn't sound like it's the best of me
But it feels so good to know what I've got
I found a remedy

Found me a fix for all these broken memories
Something to cure the sick and suffering
Cause I did what I wanted to
Rest assured, no more time to lose
I found a remedy

I don't need you to find resolve
Cause when it's said and done
Down to one
I'll hate to say I told you so


For those of you that know me well enough this will make sense.  Its been one of those times I guess.  Well I hope to put more of the stuff that I have written in a place to finally share with more people.  I will try to keep it interesting and real.