Breathe

First before I start my rant I want to say that I don't mean for this to be dark.  Just some observations about some things that I have gone through over the years and I am now facing from the other side of things.  So beware if this sounds boring.  Trust me there will be some gems.

I have spent a good portion of my life keeping my baggage checked, my demons in the closet, Dirt swept under the rug or whatever lame phrase you want to use.  I think everyone can relate to that.  Otherwise I am just a crazy person.  Well that's probably true anyways.  Unfortunately my closet is a little more stuffed than yours.  I am not saying my life has been harder than anyone else's.  Its just the events that have happened either by my doing or by what has been the luck of the draw.  At first I used to look back and think the time old question "why me?".  Then when I realized that didn't really work out I asked "when am I ever going to get a break?".  I now have learned that there is no break so it brings me to ask myself what is the real question I should be asking.  What is the right question to ask?  Well, I am about to tell you what it is.  But you will have to wait.  First, I want to go back to telling you about my closet.  As Eminem's song (eh, rap?) goes... I'm cleaning out my closet.  I used to lie.  Period.  My closet was so deep and so full that the only way I could handle it was to lie about it.  I have a good idea where I learned this trait.  That's a story for another time.  I spent way too much time trying to follow what I told someone and not someone else.  Trust me you waste a lot of brain power.  I then was caught in a lie that changed everything.  Blessing in disguise.  It was either stop lying altogether or to keep going down that path.  So for one of the rare times in my life I stopped.  It wasn't easy.  It took some real self mastery.  But now I can say I am an Honest person with Integrity.  I know that a change like that will take a life time to make up for what happened before.  Its my battle to keep fighting everyday. 

My point with this is that once you stop lying to everyone you have to stop lying to yourself.  I don't believe that I would even understand how to begin that until I found out someone has lied to me.  I believe that lying is the toxic shame everyone uses to either project it onto themselves or others.  I am sure everyone has their reasons for lying.  I thought I did.  Now any reason I thought I had to lie went out the door last week.  I have been letting myself slide in areas that I thought I would just take care of later. 

Today I went to a seminar for work.  I walked in thinking that it was going to be some self help guy who was going to talk up himself and tell us we had to be just like him.  I have been to a few of them to kind of expect that.  This guy surprised me.  His whole presentation could be summed up to this: treat everyone a little better and your life will be better.  Of course he had his catchy phrases.  His oral presentation was the same as any other self help coach.  He was overly excited for most things.  But for some reason I paid attention more.  Maybe its with what happened last week that I was looking for a way out of it.  Maybe I was tired of being run down by people not treating me right.  Sounds like a lot of blame, I know.  He said that you have to be personally accountable.  For some reason that hit me.  I have to be accountable for some part of the things that happen to me.  Whether it be that someone lied to me, or a car breaking down, or letting something bother me that normally shouldn't.  I am still angry at what happened last week and I think I have a right to be angry.  I am taking accountability in my feelings though.  All I know is that I have to be better at the relationships I want around me and cut loose the toxic ones.  How and when that happens is something yet to be determined.  One of the ways I have lied to myself is trying to convince myself that certain relationships can't go away.  You have to keep trying.  Well it sets you up for the same result every time.  I know, that's the definition of someone that's crazy.  I felt for the first time that I can let go.  I can stop lying to myself about trying to keep it around. 

In cleaning out my closet I have decided to tell anyone who wants to know what my question is now in life situations.  Its "What can I learn from this and make those around me and myself better for it?".  Sounds cheesy I know.  I have spent too much time not lighting up this world with my effort to do the little things.  I am not a person who will probably ever get a chance to donate millions of dollars.  I don't really have any amazing gifts or talents to share.  I can do one thing.  Doing the little thing for the people I come across everyday.  Whether that's at my job, church, family, friends, or the random person on the street.  Although there isn't that many homeless people in Logan.  I need to be more thankful for what I have and be willing to do little things each day for it.  I have gone through a lot in life and I am sure that trend will continue.  Hopefully the less there is in my closet the more room I have to grow. 

Now, I want to share some lyrics as always.  The first time I heard this song I felt it was about me.  Its not the happiest song.  It is about what I have gone through:

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, stop hating

Epiphanies

So I realize I am bad at keeping up with writing a blog all the time.  I have come to realize I was holding myself to an impossible agenda of once a week.  So my new goal is to write when I feel like it.  Hope it goes well.  ;-)

I recently had a conversation with a relative about something I am beginning to understand in my life.  It is the importance of feeling the love of Heavenly Father.  Its something that I have felt in the past and recently been trying to ask to feel it whenever possible. 

Heavenly Father and I have had a one sided relationship for most of my life.  I know that sounds off but let me explain.  For a while I didn't know what I wanted from Him so I never asked.  Then I gave up and didn't want anything to do with Him.  In feeling alone and abandoned I started to want to know he was alive.  So I asked a general question of if you are there then do something.  About 2 weeks later my car was stolen.  As I was walking outside I looked up to the heavens and thought "well that about does it for me.  I am done with you."  It was at the moment when I got to my car all banged up and in my moment of rage that I felt my Heavenly Fathers love for me.  Don't ask me why it was that moment.  I couldn't even begin to guess why.  I do know that it sent off a chain of events in my life that has let me to today. 

First thing I did the next day was schedule a meeting with Bishop Olsen.  I had never met him before but I knew that was the first step in me coming back.  I went to meetings and met Danny Wood.  I can tell you that within a week of my car being stolen I had 3 things happen to me that Heavenly Father showed his love for me.  Danny and Bishop Olsen have been 2 of the most influencial people in my life. 

Bishop Olsen guided me with careful love and attention to detail on everything that plagued me at that time.  He wasn't doing it just because he had to.  It was out of love.  Something that was hard for me to accept.  He was always there when I needed someone to talk things through and never gave up on me when I struggled with changing.  His care for not only my spiritual well being but my emotional, mental, and physical health was immense. 

Danny was Cher if Bishop Olsen was Sonny.  He may kill me for that analogy.  Danny was the example.  The other piece of the puzzle.  He not only showed me how to become a man but he opened his heart and past and let me know we weren't so different once.  It was what I stood on when I struggled.  If Danny could do it then I can to.  He became my friend.  He drove me places without ever questioning it.  He stood by me at social situations where I felt so out of place and turned that into feeling at home.  I may not play the guitar like he does but he inspires me to be great at everything I choose to do.  I am still working on the guitar thing...  Now that he is married he sets an example of how to be a great husband.  I hope to be half the man Danny is someday.

My point here is that no matter where we are in life, if we sincerly want to feel Heavenly Fathers love for us He will show us.  We just have to ask.  We can't limit Him on how He can show us love.  We can ask Him to show it then confirm to us that He is showing his love.  Its there.  I know it better than I ever have before.  My car was stolen, then I felt it and acted.  I was then blessed with 2 of the most amazing men I have met in my life.  I continue to ask for it.  I am now blessed to be dating the most amazing woman.  I don't know if I deserve these gifts but I am trying to earn them. 

As I challenged my family member to ask for feeling the love his Heavenly Father has for him, I also challenge all who read this to ask for it.  Don't put a time table on it.  Don't restrict Him on where, how, what, or when He has to show you.  Be open to having your car stolen.  I hope its not that for anyone but it could be.  I promise you that as you ask for it and be open He will show you.  More importantly He wants to show you.  If you are struggling with things or have given up on Him I ask you to try this one last time.  Remember to ask for it sincerly, and maybe it will be life altering for you or a subtle thing to reconfim what you have already felt before, and He will do something that at that moment you will feel His love.

Circles!

So it has been a while since I have posted.  Funny how life gets busy like that.  In fact, that is exactly what has been on my mind lately.  I have noticed patterns in life that just repeat over and over.  I remember when I was young I would wish for something new and exciting always being disappointed that I was getting the same events happening. 

Since changing my life style and becoming a man I have come to embrace this idea of life's circles.  The part I think I have embraced the most is the fact that times will get down.  I think I have figured out how to weather that storm better now.  There is a story that I read the other day that never hit me before.  The story of the Apostles out in the water and "I'm on a boat".  Being in a sea where a storm can come in and sink the boat or the sea be as clear as glass.  Both will happen if you just wait long enough.  Peter, like me, looks out and sees the Savior.  Here is the part that I have learned.  HE CALLS OUT TO HIM.  Being invited to join the Savior on the water Peter uses his faith and jumps in. 

Funny how so many times in my life I see the Savior out in the distance and I don't call out to him.  My instant thought is "I got this".  I feel that too many times I try to do things on my own.  I may call out people for being independent but I am worse at it than anyone I know.  I am learning to call out to Him when the sea is stormy AND when its calm.  This is the part of the circle that I didn't impement in my life before. 

One of my biggest examples has been my cousin Dave.  He is my big brother in every way.  He has called me when I needed it most and I know I could rely on him for anything if I need it.  If it wasn't for his example to me I wouldn't be where I am today.  If I owed my testimony and strength in the church to someone it would be him.  If someone that is so not perfect can have a loving wife and kids who are just amazing then I can have it too.  He has been constant in how he has dealt with trials.  I know he has struggled more than he has told me but he has admitted to me a few times where he has had it rough and those are the times I feel the most strength.  I need to admit to my Savior when I am struggling.  Instead of just saying "I got this".  As Dave has shown me how great an imperfect big brother can be I have a perfect big brother who is just waiting for me to call on Him. 

So to tie all this in, life doesn't change.  Its the same constant circle with the same oppourtunities to learn from.  The real change is only when we find a better way to handle all of the challenges life creates.  Of course here is a song that I have always liked.  Its by Incubus and its called Circles

You saw me lost and treading water,
I looked pathetic,
I looked as helpless as a stinger without a bee.
But underneath my presentation, (yeah.)
I knew the walls were coming down
and the stones that fell were aiming away from me.
Hey! What would it mean to you
to know that it'll come back around again?
Hey! Whatever it means to you,
know that everything moves in circles.
I saw you standing in my headlights. (Blink, blink, blink.)
I thought I'd run you down for the weight you left on me.
Instead I pushed rewind, reversed and drove away.
And seeing you disappear in my rearview brought to me the word 'Reciprocity!'

Hey! What would it mean to you
to know that it'll come back around again?
Hey! Whatever it means to you,
know that everything moves in circles.

Round and round we go...
who could've known it'd end so well?
We fall on and we fall off...
existential carousel.

Hey! What would it mean to you
to know that it'll come back around again?
Hey! Whatever it means to you,
know that everything moves in circles.